Friday, November 10, 2006

Day 15: Dead Man's Hand

Having started to write my 100 things list and knowing what I want to accomplish, you would expect (at least I expected) me to start doing those things immediately. Well, instead I went to play texas hold'em with my friends. I'll let you know tomorrow who won and what.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Day 14: Freedom

Is it just me or is the sun shining brighter today? I'm breathing so freely that I doubt if my lungs are even there anymore. Are those birds really sh*tting on every car but not mine?
Today I have been mostly eating yoghurt and writing down a list of things I'm going to do. The topic of the list is "100 things to do before I die".

100 Things To Do Before I Die

- Visit Grand Canyon. Just to see what everybody is talking about.
- Make a world record in something.
- Drive Route 66. There and back.
- Eat beef in Baby Beef, Sao Paolo.
- Build a well to a third country village.
- Start a foundation for kids.
- Travel to Palau.
- Do 1000 scuba dives.
- Buy a set of (electric) drums.
- Build a personal recording studio.

To be continued.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Day 13: Appetite For Destruction

OK, I had made up my mind to get fired. Somehow I like to leave the company with a big bang, so I created a DIY-End-Of-The-World plan. I packed my brand new ice hockey gear, a ghettoblaster, a box of vodka and 1,000 euros to my car and went to the office.

Lunch break is the best time to make your attack, since there's nobody at the office. I went to the garage, stripped and put my hockey gear on. I also took the other equipment and went upstairs. I waited until it was 5 minutes to the end of the lunch break. Limp Bizkit's Break Stuff would suit the mood pretty well, so I put it on repeat. Last breaths of aggression and the volume to 11. I banged my helmet with the stick and went totally nuts!!!

I ran against the booths and broke the lights with my stick. I cross-checked the computers and hit my head against the glass doors. The plants hadn't done anything to me, put it didn't stop me of throwing them against the wall. I threw the sofas down from the balcony and the copy machines are still singing rock-hallelujah after my treatment!

My colleagues were already coming back from the break and needless to say, they were speechless. Some of them tried to calm me down and asked me to stop, but once I gave them the box of vodka my little destruction exercise escalated into a full-scale riot!!! After 5 minutes the outer walls were the only things that were in their original position...

After the show was over, we sat on top of the trash mountain.The vodka was going around the circle and everybody was breathing deeply. I said my thanks for the help. Once our manager arrived and dropped his jaw, I went to him and gave him a 5 euro bill.

-Here's for the damage, I hope it covers everything. Now, could I be excused for good?

No words were spoken, but I turned around, walked by my colleagues and caused the last riot by throwing the 995 euros to the air. My mission here was over.

Back at home I went to sauna, drank a couple of beers and laughed my ass off.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Day 12: Jester, at your service!

When you are working for someone else and your motivation (= need for money) is close to zero, you lose the will to work. Due to this, I dedicated this work day for practical jokes. I took a big bag of potatoes to the office and had my fun in the garage. I put a potato into each car's exhaust pipe and left a friendly note (“Thanks a**hole for parking like that) under the wiper.

During the lunch hour I visited every empty booth and messed everything! I turned the chairs upside down and hid the phones. Papers and magazines got switched between different booths. I used every open computer to print a document (“Hi, where is this printer? Call me.”) 200 times. I also send many meeting invitations through Outlook and reserved all the meeting rooms. And of course I ordered coffee and cake to every meeting from our cafeteria.

In the afternoon I called to annoying people and yelled “hello? hello? is there anybody there?” with an accent. They went nuts after the fifth time! After three o'clock I felt it was time for this Homer Simpson to leave the party. So this working day was fun, but what the heck I'm going to do tomorrow? Get myself fired???

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Day 11: Big problems, simple solutions

We thought it would be nice to see our friends for a change, so we made one-day road trip. We have at least 10+ friends, that we have promised “to visit soon”. In the past there were lots of good and bad reasons not to see them, but now the sudden steadiness of our near future has given us the opportunity to “live the moment”. The biggest headache you get when travelling with the family is the packing. You have to remember spare clothes, food, fun&games, tissues, snacks, drinks, spares for spare clothes, diapers, vitamins, medicine, keys, money, etc. The second headache starts after the first minute of driving: you have to provide entertainment for the children. When you're trapped in a hot (or freezing) car with 5,000 kilowatts of pure screaming power, you have to be causious. One wrong move and your mental well-being is destroyed.

Since the lucky break of becoming a millionaire, I decided to overcome the difficulties of travelling – no matter of the cost. I gave it a long thought and then the Answer came like a lightning from the clear sky. It was the ultimate and most simple solution for my problem. Of course it hadn't crossed my mind in the days when I was still a regular guy, but now the money has given wings to my imagination. And the answer was very simple: disgustingly exaggerated overspeeding. Yes, put the pedal to the metal and your problems are out of the rear window!!! First, you don't have to pack so many things for the road since you're going to arrive to the destination earlier. Second, the kids will hold their breath when you are overtaking every car on the road and trying to avoid hitting the oncoming cars. Third, if I get caught of overspeeding, I can bribe the police (benefit of being a Big Fish). So please MTV, pimp my station wagon (while my Audi is still being delivered)!!!

(Note from the author: Do Not Try This At Home Or You Are Going To Get Hurt Big Time).

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Day 10: Half-pro

Since I don't have to be concerned about my income anymore, I spent the day as a hockey pro. I started the day with half an hour jog, ate breakfast and stretched. Then I drove to the hall and got prepared for the evening match. We played hard, but the opponent was one step ahead in the third period, so we lost. But still it was a great day, since I could the thing what I've dreamed of since I was a little kid.

Day 9: High Speed Metallic Case

I had to spend the day at work. I can assure you, that the motivation gap between myself and Starvin Marvin in the buffet line was bigger than Grand Canyon. Cheez! You've seen the lovely winter photos from here. Today that beautiful snow was again screwing up the traffic, so I was trapped in my car on the way to work and also on the way to home. This is one of the things I hate the most in working: you're stuffed in to a small metallic case every day. The other trained monkeys in their metallic cases are trying to overtake each other just about everywhere and the same rally continues twice a day. You feel lucky to get out a alive, but next day you have to be there again. Get Fired or Die Driving.

Well, this post was a bit negative, but the day turned out to be very good. I had to work only one day and already the weekend begun! I prepared the meat I bought yesterday (it had a funny side taste, kinda like beer...) and I had some wine with my wife after the kids were asleep. We watched the movie Capote and I was amazed how brilliant Philip Seymour Hoffman was on the main role. The movie was boring, but the acting - WOW! I'm definetely going to read that book Capote wrote.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Day 8: The Art of Grocery Shopping (by Sun Tzu)

My last vacation day, so it's time to get nuts! On Saturday the stores are going to be closed, so today was the perfect day to fill our storages. I purpously left my family home, so I could do something I wouldn't want my kids to see... Don't do as I do, do as I say...

I went to the local supermarket. I was again hungry as hell, but this time it was on purpouse. Can you resist anything when you're drooling already? First thing. I took the biggest cart I could find and then added couple of baskets to the sides. Second thing. Only buy items that you can drop from the shelf to the cart. Third. Whistle the whole way. Ready to go?

I skipped the veggies and fruits, since I couldn't drop them to the cart. Well, I got some bananas that I was able to drop from the top of Mount Chiquita. From the next section I was able to get bread that was placed on the upper shelf. But now I had a problem. I was really anxious to get some Brasilian ox meat, but they were placed so low that I couldn't drop them to the cart. Aha! I went to the nearest employee. Since I was whistling the whole time, I couldn't talk. I had to make some gestures to the woman and she quickly realised that I needed help (and maybe strong medication). I leaded her to the ox meat and started to point it with a loud whistle. The woman picked the meat and was putting it to the cart. No no no, I gestured. The woman was confused and looking me like I was some kinda freak. I showed her to raise the hand in which she held the meat. Of course, since the customer is always right, she raised her arm. Immediately I hit the meat and it fell down to the cart. YES! Thank you very much, you have been most helpful, here's a hundred, buy something for yourself. I rolled away whistling.

Bread, meat, bananas. What else does a grown man with million euros need? Lacohol. Acholl. Alcohol. And lots of it. I was standing in the beginning of the beer aisle. I started to whistle Bonanza. You could feel the intensity of the moment. The Man and The Beer. Evolution at its best. I usually bought the cheapest lagers, but now I raised my arm and pointed it to the imported beers. Uuuuh, you're so gonna get it! I started to run and Bonanza led me through the 20 meter aisle. Imagine the sound of breaking bottles and cans hitting the cart. I was there and felt alive. The smell of beer got mixed with air and I inhaled it deeply to my sweating organs.

Well, the security escorted me outside, I whistled my last tune, paid more than enough and finally I was home with my shoppings. My wife looked like a question mark, since I was covered with beer.

- Nice supermarket. Better not to go there for a while.

What an unforgettable day. I proved that you can also have fun without alcohol (in your brain). More stories tomorrow. In the meanwhile, enjoy Dan Lok's ultimate success concept and prosper.