Friday, November 10, 2006

Day 15: Dead Man's Hand

Having started to write my 100 things list and knowing what I want to accomplish, you would expect (at least I expected) me to start doing those things immediately. Well, instead I went to play texas hold'em with my friends. I'll let you know tomorrow who won and what.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Day 14: Freedom

Is it just me or is the sun shining brighter today? I'm breathing so freely that I doubt if my lungs are even there anymore. Are those birds really sh*tting on every car but not mine?
Today I have been mostly eating yoghurt and writing down a list of things I'm going to do. The topic of the list is "100 things to do before I die".

100 Things To Do Before I Die

- Visit Grand Canyon. Just to see what everybody is talking about.
- Make a world record in something.
- Drive Route 66. There and back.
- Eat beef in Baby Beef, Sao Paolo.
- Build a well to a third country village.
- Start a foundation for kids.
- Travel to Palau.
- Do 1000 scuba dives.
- Buy a set of (electric) drums.
- Build a personal recording studio.

To be continued.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Day 13: Appetite For Destruction

OK, I had made up my mind to get fired. Somehow I like to leave the company with a big bang, so I created a DIY-End-Of-The-World plan. I packed my brand new ice hockey gear, a ghettoblaster, a box of vodka and 1,000 euros to my car and went to the office.

Lunch break is the best time to make your attack, since there's nobody at the office. I went to the garage, stripped and put my hockey gear on. I also took the other equipment and went upstairs. I waited until it was 5 minutes to the end of the lunch break. Limp Bizkit's Break Stuff would suit the mood pretty well, so I put it on repeat. Last breaths of aggression and the volume to 11. I banged my helmet with the stick and went totally nuts!!!

I ran against the booths and broke the lights with my stick. I cross-checked the computers and hit my head against the glass doors. The plants hadn't done anything to me, put it didn't stop me of throwing them against the wall. I threw the sofas down from the balcony and the copy machines are still singing rock-hallelujah after my treatment!

My colleagues were already coming back from the break and needless to say, they were speechless. Some of them tried to calm me down and asked me to stop, but once I gave them the box of vodka my little destruction exercise escalated into a full-scale riot!!! After 5 minutes the outer walls were the only things that were in their original position...

After the show was over, we sat on top of the trash mountain.The vodka was going around the circle and everybody was breathing deeply. I said my thanks for the help. Once our manager arrived and dropped his jaw, I went to him and gave him a 5 euro bill.

-Here's for the damage, I hope it covers everything. Now, could I be excused for good?

No words were spoken, but I turned around, walked by my colleagues and caused the last riot by throwing the 995 euros to the air. My mission here was over.

Back at home I went to sauna, drank a couple of beers and laughed my ass off.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Day 12: Jester, at your service!

When you are working for someone else and your motivation (= need for money) is close to zero, you lose the will to work. Due to this, I dedicated this work day for practical jokes. I took a big bag of potatoes to the office and had my fun in the garage. I put a potato into each car's exhaust pipe and left a friendly note (“Thanks a**hole for parking like that) under the wiper.

During the lunch hour I visited every empty booth and messed everything! I turned the chairs upside down and hid the phones. Papers and magazines got switched between different booths. I used every open computer to print a document (“Hi, where is this printer? Call me.”) 200 times. I also send many meeting invitations through Outlook and reserved all the meeting rooms. And of course I ordered coffee and cake to every meeting from our cafeteria.

In the afternoon I called to annoying people and yelled “hello? hello? is there anybody there?” with an accent. They went nuts after the fifth time! After three o'clock I felt it was time for this Homer Simpson to leave the party. So this working day was fun, but what the heck I'm going to do tomorrow? Get myself fired???

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Day 11: Big problems, simple solutions

We thought it would be nice to see our friends for a change, so we made one-day road trip. We have at least 10+ friends, that we have promised “to visit soon”. In the past there were lots of good and bad reasons not to see them, but now the sudden steadiness of our near future has given us the opportunity to “live the moment”. The biggest headache you get when travelling with the family is the packing. You have to remember spare clothes, food, fun&games, tissues, snacks, drinks, spares for spare clothes, diapers, vitamins, medicine, keys, money, etc. The second headache starts after the first minute of driving: you have to provide entertainment for the children. When you're trapped in a hot (or freezing) car with 5,000 kilowatts of pure screaming power, you have to be causious. One wrong move and your mental well-being is destroyed.

Since the lucky break of becoming a millionaire, I decided to overcome the difficulties of travelling – no matter of the cost. I gave it a long thought and then the Answer came like a lightning from the clear sky. It was the ultimate and most simple solution for my problem. Of course it hadn't crossed my mind in the days when I was still a regular guy, but now the money has given wings to my imagination. And the answer was very simple: disgustingly exaggerated overspeeding. Yes, put the pedal to the metal and your problems are out of the rear window!!! First, you don't have to pack so many things for the road since you're going to arrive to the destination earlier. Second, the kids will hold their breath when you are overtaking every car on the road and trying to avoid hitting the oncoming cars. Third, if I get caught of overspeeding, I can bribe the police (benefit of being a Big Fish). So please MTV, pimp my station wagon (while my Audi is still being delivered)!!!

(Note from the author: Do Not Try This At Home Or You Are Going To Get Hurt Big Time).